When did we stop believing in love?

This year Valentine’s Day kinda crept up on me. Despite having been single every other Valentine’s Day since I came of age, there is usually some anticipation in the back of my mind this time of year. I imagine how my future guy and I might celebrate, like would we go all out and come up with creative, tear-jerking ways to affirm our affections or would we try to rise above the social pressure to make public declarations and come up with our own rhythm of displays of affection...? Just yesterday I remembered that Valentine’s Day was today yet I felt so indifferent. No dreaming, no pang of sadness at having no one to expect gifts and trinkets from.. just another day.

I paused. Had singleness made me stop believing in the beauty and thrill of falling in love? Had I stopped picturing a future with someone and instead begun to try to make my life as colourful as possible in case I end up alone in my future living room portrait?

It’s been an interesting few years, to say the least. I have welcomed and tried to maintain change for the better in all aspects of my life.. and change, as we all know is seldom tranquil. When it comes to romantic love I have undergone a dissection of my attitude, behaviour and influences in relationships. In doing so, I’ve been painfully exposed to myself, in both alarming and affirming ways. Since praying for God to bring an end to my foolishness and help me to do better with these dudes, I have oscillated between waiting patiently with composure for a quality individual to partner up with and desperately trying to make things happen for myself. 

I want to start by saying this, for the sake of someone who might be wondering where this is going: love and romance are beautiful and good. It’s not pathetic or foolish to desire them. The journey is exhilarating and filled with turns that can potentially change your life forever, for better or worse. At the same time, I’ve been coming to better terms with the fact that what is truly worth gaining in life will cost you so much, even Christ calls us to carry our crosses in order to follow him (Matthew 16:24). In the pursuit of true love and a blessed marriage, many pleasures, habits, comforts and tendencies must fall by the wayside and you will be confronted many times with the questions of whether love is really worth it, if waiting is really worth it and if you are really worth it.

Is love really worth it?

I haven’t done any statistical research on this but a lengthy scan on my social media would suggest that people would answer this far differently than they would have ten years ago. Social media has given individuals to tell their raw stories, for better or worse. We’ve seen viral videos like #HurtBae, we’ve watched as virtually every idolised celebrity relationship fall apart (or attempt to recover from) infidelity, we’ve heard countless stories of ordinary women oppressed and degraded often by the very men who vowed to cherish them until death (see #MenAreTrash). Despite divorce becoming a norm, we are still nowadays no better at dealing with it. We’ve seen monogamy and correspondingly, the rate of young marriages steadily declining. The young and beautiful have committed suicide because they believed one of the lies that depression tells, that they are alone. We’ve rooted for people we know, both near and far only to be left picking up the pieces when the relationship ends. So for many of us are left feeling like love has no real place for us. 

In response the culture is producing disillusioned men and women who reject the idea of love and vulnerability to one person till death do us part. As a result we try to find or manufacture an alternate happiness without it. Hello Tinder and the murky world of online dating! A Tinder poster I saw recently said “The Single lives how they choose to.” Essentially, without restrictions or accountability, you’re free to ghost and appear when you want. The ad implied a pain-free simplistic form of dating that many of us know is far from true. We also chase validation from our careers and prioritise ‘getting that bag’ because like Lady Gaga apparently said “a career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.” We abuse substances and abuse other people. Ok so maybe these sound rather extreme, what about a healthy dose of self-love instead, that’s a good thing right? Cos “if you love yourself then others can love you too.” Self-love can be healthy, to the degree that you use it to maintain physical and emotional wellbeing. But self-love can also be a trap that stops us from engaging in difficult but necessary circumstances, and by teaching ourselves to put ourselves first all the time we can easily slip into selfishness, a propensity to indulge ourselves at the expense of others. It is after all the love of self which God admonishes us against: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”

Philippians 2:3 ESV We subscribe to many quotable quotes without taking much time to reflect on their implications for our soul.

We also have the new wave of contemporary feminism. And I call it contemporary because what seemed to once be a movement championing equality and liberation of women from all forms of oppression seems to be for many an avenue to aggressively render men useless if not providing sex or financial support. ‘Slay queens’ and ‘finessers’ were the olden day pariahs in the black community and now they are a symbol of empowerment. So while there is a desire for male companionship- for many the desire to be loved, protected and cherished has been replaced with a louder and more pressing demand to be catered to. The exploited has become the exploiter. And on the vicious cycle goes. We call ourselves Kings and Queens but where is the nobility? Short-term and transactional is nowadays preferable to sacrificial and enduring. So the very thing people are using to cure their broken hearts is the very thing that’s breaking them. We fight so hard for the right to do what we want with our bodies, when we want and with whom we want. But as a dear mentor in the faith often warns: don’t let your preferences rob you of paradise. ““I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.”

1 Corinthians 10:23-24 NIV

So is love really worth it? Yes. But pursue the right kind of love. Flee dysfunction. You have the freedom to rebel and try to make your own rules but you do not have the freedom to escape the consequences of your choices. Root yourself deeply in God and look for one deeply rooted in God because anything else is less than what will truly satisfy you. Only God can sustain you both beyond the butterflies, the childhood baggage, secret adult addictions, sexual failures, the miscarriages and the sickness. Whether or not Valentine’s Day is a thing for you, whether you’re in your first year of dating or have been married for decades, each year in a God-honouring relationship is sweeter than the last.

Is waiting really worth it?

So let’s say you’re still a believer, you cry at weddings like me and you’re ready. You’ve waited, and year by year you watch and yearn as you see others wear matching traditional outfits and walk off into their fairytales. Your prospects are dwindling, men your age are looking for girls 5 or 10 years younger than you and you’ve found yourself considering the guy with children and a wild babymama which you swore you never would because what if.. God forbid, you end up alone.. and that’s starting to feel more likely. And people keep asking why you’re single..! You miss being noticed, the long messages and emotionally charged fights, being cuddled and kissed, being pathologically codependent and having someone just put up with you... so you start to think maybe the guy doesn’t have to be a Christian. He just has to be nice. Maybe he doesn’t have to be all that nice after all, no one is perfect.. and down the slippery slope you go. 

Or you might be one of the few in the world that hasn’t experimented with everything. Maybe you haven’t dated or kissed or had sex or tried weed and you feel left out because of that. Or maybe you have done it all and you’ve realised that you don’t want to carry guilt and shame and the person you just started seeing literally laughs in your face when you talk about waiting..

Or maybe you’re one of the good guys, forever the friend or brother-figure girls turn to or open up to but never choose. Women your age want someone more emotionally mature and financially stable than you are and you just need some relief from this frustration of being overlooked and maybe the answer comes as a secret addiction to pornography that you swear you will overcome once you find the right girl, or a heart that slowly turns apathetic to the very women you wanted to love and accept you.. 

Or maybe you’ve just always been the standard good looking guy or girl and you ‘options’ are never-ending. People come and go and you use them for your own comfort and companionship and although you believe you have the potential to be a good partner you feel waiting to find the right person takes too long and you’d rather have fun in the meantime and avoid being ‘deprived’.. You may have your own unique scenario but whichever way if you’ve ever had to wait patiently for something you really want you know that there will be good days when you’re on top of the world and you don’t need anyone to make you happy, and then there will be days when the reminder that you’re alone is agonising and impatience boils over in your heart. And the enemy will make that desire seem so distant and make God seem like he is always holding out on you. That has been his trick in the beginning (see Adam and Eve) and he will offer you sweet, custom-made relief in the form of compromise.. if you’re like me you will have given in at some point. Or maybe you fall in and out of your struggle repeatedly, in which case Paul could relate “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.” Romans 7:15 NLT. Or maybe by now you’ve just thrown in the towel because the harsh world found a way to remind you that nice guys always finish last. 

The hardest part about waiting, even waiting on the Lord is that it has no definitive end date and God doesn’t categorically promise us that he will give us what we want according to our timeline. He calls us to trust him blindly and invites us for an adventurous life which will have an happy ending eternally but this side of heaven there will be some disappointments and some losses. He promises us many good things including peace through tribulation and provision in times of need but always gives and takes away according to what is best for us, “What he opens, no one can close; and what he closes, no one can open:” Revelation 3:7b NLT. He does not offer us the opportunity to see how our life will play out, he invites us to believe that when we respond to his call, he will work out all things (every heartbreak, every lonely day, every rejection, every mistake) for our good. So dear sister or brother, don’t lower your standards, lengthen your patience. You could be fabulous, wonderfully humble, smart and beautiful, marriage material in every way and still be single. You are worth waiting for. God can do more in 5 minutes than you can do with 50 years of your own effort and I have seen that most times that person that never approaches us when we want them to is God’s protection. A relationship with his blessing, and singleness with his blessing is infinitely better than a hustled union of your own doing. 

By all means, hope and pray for your happy ending, I know I do, but if you are believing in Jesus you must know that your story already has a hero who came for you. Any love you find here on earth can only be and should be a shadow of that Ultimate Love. “It is better to be alone with God than to be yoked up with a fool.” -Cornelius Lindsey

Are you really worth it?

Then there are some of us who’ve made a mess of it. You’re 25 and your life is already a shambles, you’re carrying enough baggage to last you a lifetime. You don’t see a healthy relationship behind you or ahead of you. Maybe you have self-destructive patterns, you self-sabotage and now don’t believe you have much to bring to the plate or a standard to hold yourself, let alone anyone else to because in your eyes you aren’t worthy. Maybe someone violated you when you were young and you’ve never been able to trust that anyone can truly love you selflessly without wanting to take something from you. Maybe you had a great relationship with a great person and you ruined it, you made a mistake and whether that person has forgiven you or not you just can’t seem to let it go. Maybe you made one mistake that no one knows about and you’re ashamed of it and it haunts you. Perhaps you’ve just walked down the wrong path for so long that being unconditionally loved just seems like something that only happens in the movies because if people knew the real you and all the horrible things you’ve done they could never love you. 

The reality is you deserve to be judged and punished, and we all do because in some way or another we have sinned against a perfect God and we have harmed others in the process. But there is good news: Only God can fix you because only he truly knows you. In a world where relationships in the 20-40 demographic are marked by brokenness and disease (literally STDs) there is a Doctor. There is a Healer. There is forgiveness for those who cry out for it. There is a friend whose words speak to the parts where ordinary self-help books and positive thinking and self-care cannot reach. He is the strong one who knows what it is like to be alone because his friends left him when it was time for him to die. God the Father who had always been with him, abandoned him and punished him in our place, because the world could never make up for all that they had done and would do. He sacrificed himself out of love for you and and to pay for every wrong thing you would ever do. His resurrection from the dead is evidence that anyone who is dead can come back to life. He promises to make a new you if you believe in him. You don’t have to be defined by your scars and your mistakes. You don’t have to keep running back to your bad habits. “So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.” John 8:36 NLT 

Break up with the past once and for all. If God found you worth dying for before you even knew him and loved him, then you are worthy of love no matter who you are or what you’ve done. Isn’t that what we all really want at the end of the day? Someone who knows all our flaws but still loves us anyway?

The funny thing is in all the bleak posts I see everyday, I see an equal amount of ‘😍😍😍’ under Ciara and Russell Wilson’s posts. I also see ordinary people being applauded for the generous and courageous things they do for those they love and that lets me know that no matter how broken and disillusioned many people out there are- we will never stop wanting true love. We will never turn it away when we find it. We were created that way. So friends, believe in Jesus, trust in your heart that you are already known, you are already pursued and you are the precious bride of the heavenly Groom. Tell it to yourself everyday because you need to remember it when the world tells you you’re unwanted. Enjoy love in all its streams whether it’s romantic or in the community of family and friends. Much of what you seek in one person God has already provided in the people around you. You just have to take the time to cultivate it. Don’t save all your energy and intentions for romance. Sacrifice, be generous, attentive and affectionate to your brothers and sisters. Hold out, practise self-control by reminding yourself that what you are waiting for is worth waiting for. If that means changing your friends or the places you hang out then that’s what you need to do. Remember that Jesus was single, the most fulfilled and purpose-filled man managed to live and love and change the world without a spouse. Don’t wait till you find yours to start obeying God and doing what he has already called you to do. 

Romance is worthy of celebration with someone who believes in mutual sacrifice and honouring and cherishing one another and above all, someone who is so consumed by the love of God it can’t help but overflow to you. Like my sister always tells me: find someone who makes plans for you.  

I will end with a quote from the wisest man who ever lived: “Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right.”

Song of Songs 8:4 NLT

I hope you all had a happy Valentine’s Day. ❤️🌹