How Do We Heal?

Life sucks. This isn't an absolute statement but it's definitely truer on some days than others. Wouldn't you say?

Life throws a myriad of experiences at us, which makes it exciting and unpredictable but sometimes it seems we only pass through one valley of the shadow of death to get into another. Some of these hurts can etch so deeply, leaving us with traces of post-traumatic stress, loosely defined: I never want to go through that again. We find a way to cope or carry on, for better or worse. Let me start with 'for worse'.

You can become a master at holding onto your bitter hurts, someone called them 'cherished resentments.' You look at the scars often and revisit the emotion you felt enough to remind yourself to avoid that situation at all costs. Instead of reaching out and sharing the parts that make you most vulnerable, your weakness, you close yourself in a shell as a protective mechanism. Your insecurity eventually only allows you to care to make an effort in things that only further your own interests, directly or indirectly. In the face your pain, hope seems futile, respite seems far away. "It will be okay" seems like a platitude you recite to yourself but don't really believe deep down. Day by day, your skin gets a little thicker. Years later you think you've healed, but you're always wary of that trigger, waiting to pull the scab of those deep old wounds. You construct boundaries that don't allow you to get too close, and as time goes on you become self-absorbed, less sensitive to the needs of others and unwilling to share in the joy of others, because it reminds you of what you don't have. You could also turn to a vice, abusing substances or even people, overindulging in food or entertainment which makes you feel better about yourself and represses your unhappiness or anxiety temporarily. You stop taking risks or trying because you're afraid to fail. Slowly, you are filled with pride, a pride that hides all the little cracks underneath. You wear a mask and harbour your hurts but never truly escape them.

Finding all these traits in one person would render them severely damaged, but if you have cared about someone, wanted something, hoped for a change, at some point or another, you must have experienced various degrees of mild and crushing disappointment.

So how do we heal? Is there hope for us to ever become new again. Can what was taken from us ever be restored or compensated? Be it innocence, trust, life, health, happiness or an opportunity? Can we ever really start over?

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross described five stages of grief in the majority of catastrophic personal circumstances: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I believe there is a significant amount of substance in her model, I by learning and learning from the people I meet, think that there are gaps to be filled. There are ways to be proactive in coping with situations you never wanted to be in.

Confront the source of your pain. It's pointless to treat the symptoms and ignore the root cause. It's easy to act like everything is OK because no one wants that they aren't in control. If you can admit that your fear of intimacy comes from a fear of rejection or abandonment then you are one step closer to conquering it. If you admit that you failed or are suffering the consequences of your actions, then you give yourself room to try again, do better and be accountable for it.

Alleviate your pain in healthy ways... Here's a novel idea: TALK ABOUT IT. It may not change anything, but it changes you. There's a lot to learn from the perspective of those who are wiser and those who love you. Allow them to challenge you. I love talking but these days I shy away from pointless conversation. True friends will drag out kicking and screaming if you're going to drown, they don't stand by 'being supportive' while you damage yourself. Even if it frustrates you now, you will thank them later. Sometimes it's physical pain, or one with so many reminders that make it hard to forget.. Endure. Allow it to take its course.  ..we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us
-Romans 5:3-5

Deduce how best you can learn from your pain, instead of making resolutions in anger or fear make vigilant or cautious resolutions. Sometimes, things don't work out and the problem isn't you. It's hard to believe but at times, it's so necessary. If someone cheated on you, it's not because you weren't good enough. They were just inadequate and an idiot among other things. You don't need to adopt an antagonistic disposition and start comparing everyone else to your past. Reassure yourself. Work on being someone who offers themselves on a genuine, mature and honest platter and wisdom will align your path with like-minded people. You can become bitter or better.

Accept that it happened, and from the moment you do, it will hurt less and less until it doesn't hurt anymore.

People evolve, times change. What used to plague me when last year doesn't hurt me anymore. There is no mountain insurmountable. There is no season that does not come to an end.

Let it go. Surrender can be one of the hardest things and yet the most necessary. I don't romanticise suffering or loss, but the first thing to acknowledge is that in certain cases, like death, illness, retrenchment or being dumped, the unfortunate thing is that there is nothing you can do to undo it. Maybe mitigate but not undo. In other cases like a broken friendship or bruised ego, you can humble yourself and once again, talk your way to peace, even if the other person doesn't give it to you. Vindication is something we often feel entitled to when we've been wronged, robbed or taken advantage of. We want the upper hand back etc etc. Forgive. Not just find a way to "be cool with it" genuinely let go of that resentment and stop begging for karma to come back. Ask God to heal you and give you peace, trust me, he is swifter and better informed than karma. One thing I've found steadfastly true in everything I've gone through is that it happens for my good, even if it was meant to hurt me. "If God can turn the anguish of the cross into the place of love's greatest accomplishment, how much more can he use any moment in our lives for his glory and for the good of His people?" -Josh Harris

Remember that good things happen anyway. Life is still unpredictable and exciting. If ten seasons of Greys Anatomy have taught me anything, it's that life goes on. Flames to dust, lovers to friends, we fall down but we can get back up. We can look in the mirror and not like what we see, go away and address those weakness and come black and be pleased. Give yourself time and recognise that you cannot do any of this alone. You need a God who knows you fully, empathises with your weakness and loves you unconditionally. You also need a support network, sometimes as little as one person, who is invested in your holistic well-being.

In my short years I've met intriguing, memorable characters, the saddest of whom are those embittered by the past. The cynical, the hopeless, the uninspired. "Trust no one" "Expect nothing" "These hoes ain't loyal" "Cash rules everything" are the words of people who lead empty, unfulfilled lives and try to fill up a void with so much 'stuff'. I am thankful that God has gotten me through hard times and used my hardships to enable me to reach out and empathise with others and whatever they may be going through.. Even when it's uncomfortable. People say showing emotion makes you weak, I think it makes you perceptive, relatable and it makes you human. So even if we can't un-break certain situations.. We can become whole again if we find joy in God and realise that he is the treasure above all, if we find joy in the little things like sunshine or friendly smiles, if we are thankful for the immeasurable blessings we have, and if we trust that his watchful eye and unmerited favour in all things is ever-present.

I visited my friend and her baby a while ago. He is so sweet. He also puts everything in his mouth, with a particular affinity for stones. He knocked his head and wailed so many times once I thought I might have even concussed him and no matter how vigilantly we watched over him, he would still get dirty and need a change of clothes. Babies are as high-risk as it gets but he was alright then, and I'm sure he will continue to be. But his mother can't keep him locked up in the house in a cage until he is older for fear that he will get hurt, no more than we can keep ourselves locked up in solitude. We need to get out there, venture into new territories and meet new people even if it means getting hurt or getting dirty once in a while. As long as there is breath in you, there is purpose. Check out this story of a teenager who battled with cancer and still found time to fundraise, further his passions and inspire people with his story. http://stephensstory.co.uk/about-stephen/

What purpose will your experiences have? Will they leave you with a chip on your shoulder or will they open the door to insight, healing and the healing of others? You are not defined by your struggles or shortcomings, but you are what you make of them.

To leave you a gem from my favourite quote book!:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14 NIV