The Beauty Complex
One afternoon as I went through my 'Soulful' playlist, a thought came to mind as I listened to one
of my all-time favourites; Lana del Rey- 'Young and Beautiful'. Do obscenely good-looking people ever worry that their beauty is not enough..? Next came 'Pretty Hurts' by Beyonce and I wondered if she actually lived out those words and rebelled against the status quo, how much of a difference that would make to her daughter, and to how her legions of fans perceive her.
I consider myself a moderate consumer of pop culture with an innate confidence, and yet I am no stranger to the allures of the glossy and glamorous lifestyle. While I, and most people I've spoken to say they'd never go the full monty with cosmetic surgery, most of us have felt at some point or another that longer legs, harder abs, more sculpted arms et al wouldn't go amiss. I will go on record to say that last week I spent approximately two hours idling through photos of Irina Shayk and Cristiano Ronaldo, wondering what a girl's gotta do to get one of those. I've spent more time than I care to admit, trying to investigate from all angles whether Kim Kardashian's bum could have naturally occurred.
Before the guys start shaking their heads, I've met more than my fair share of men shrouded in insecurity. Yes, males too can feel inadequate next to the David Beckhams, Jesse Williams', 'boys next door and Mr Steal Your Girls of the world.. they just don't cry about it, they use bravado to conceal it. Mintel, a market analysis group, reported an increase in the consumption of male grooming products. The number of cosmetic procedures are on the rise too, comparatively fewer but just as extreme as those available to women.
Now, we often say beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that it's all about self confidence, but is it really though? In a world of 6 billion odd uniquely gifted and genetically diverse people we've still managed to conjure up a universal standard of beauty, subjecting ourselves and others to it and contributing to a 'grass is always greener' mentality. When it comes to beauty; models, sports stars and screen celebrities have set the standard. Their talent captivates and their features mesmerise. Knowing very little about their personal lives, it's easy to imagine the ways in which our lives as commonfolk would be better, (how much more attention we'd draw, or how much more respect we'd garner) if we had certain physical attributes.
In retrospect, I've personally found this mentality trickling over into my interactions with guys too. In the past I'd go
absolutely weak at the knees (and apparently in the brain) over a hottie, (who in some cases, I felt, looked like a celebrity)
forgo better judgement and then later ask myself how I got so twisted.. I chuckle at the silliness of it all, but maaaan it's hard for an individual to keep a clear head in the jungle. Especially when the jungle tells us that taller, lighter, fuller is better. That first impressions matter the most. That if that FINE-looking girl or guy happens to fall into your lap, you've got to do whatever it takes to keep him. Our self-esteem ironically, is tied to how we believe others perceive us and how we believe we deserve to be treated.
I've been watching Last Chance Salon, a show detailing reparative measures on botched surgeries and with each episode I felt increasingly strongly that there is something inherently wrong with the general message, and the general understanding of beauty out there. Whether it's online, in the mirror or out on the street, we spend many hours of our lifetime scrutinising ourselves and others. We will enhance, nip, tuck, extend, pull, straighten, work out, darken and lighten all in an effort to improve what we don't like about ourselves. Sometimes doing so gives us an extra short-lived boost that we need but what's really sad is that at the core, without it, we feel utterly ashamed and even invalidated.
Our preoccupation with the external has robbed us of our ability to live abundant lives. To maintain and feel good in the body you were given is worthwhile and admirable. To be preoccupied with appearance as a means to happiness, narcissism or a step up to some kind of pedestal is where the damage begins. Attitudes toward being hot are climbing higher up the list of priorities than those toward being healthy. Reconstructive surgery is one thing, extreme makeovers are quite another. I'm just trying to get to the heart of the matter.
The Rolling Stone magazine described the disparity between Maria Sharapova and Serena Williams' appeal stating: "Sharapova is tall, white and blond, and, because of that, makes more money in endorsements than Serena, who is black, beautiful and built like one of those monster trucks that crushes Volkswagens at sports arenas." This insult-hidden-in-a-complement frustrated me because it is an example of how easily diversity is rejected and how possessing certain looks can overshadow your talent, intelligence and personality. Through constant exposure and years of subtle conditioning, are gradually coerced to conform to and appreciate these polished and enhanced images. We think we're more judicious than that... but really, We're not.
Literature Review (haha!)
I
chose to write my (tormenting) Bachelor's dissertation on trends in
medical tourism, and without getting into the stats, look around you. Billion dollar industries have been built psychologically targeting our fears and perceived imperfections. The desire to be desirable is God-given. We've been trained to respond to what pleases our
senses, our eyes especially, and equate it with happiness. Neuroaestheticians on CNN made two interesting points: first, that we are biologically wired to appreciate features such as symmetry and second, not only does our perception of beauty affect our self image, it can affect salary and even prison sentence. I read something about the physical attractiveness stereotype. Compressed, it means people believe good-looking people have good morals, are smarter, more important, more employable and have better outcomes in life.
This guy Hammermesh went on to write a book, giving evidence about all the economic benefits of being beautiful, (better loan negotiations etc) and to top it off, their likelihood to settle down and procreate with other beautiful people. It certainly explains why I'm always shocked when Chris Brown is locked up for beating someone up. So what does it mean for everyone else outside this bracket? Well, those of us who can't afford or won't do much to fix ourselves shrug and get on with life, yet we absorb these criteria, aspire toward them and carry them around as a template in our everyday interactions and relationships.
Model Cameron Russell said in a surprisingly enlightening TED talk,
"Image is powerful, but it is also superficial." She went on to demonstrate and describe how society tells us that no matter how what a woman's achievements or life story is, her value is placed in
how she looks. Some people might call this irony, but I think she gets it. She put out a message that so many of us desperately need to hear. What we often like to call entertainment has filtered
into our reality. Before you say 'it is what it is', it doesn't have to be. The appreciation of beauty may be a simple chemical reaction but it doesn't have to be the dominant and deciding factor. We have the ability to change our
thoughts by what we expose ourselves to and how we discern it. Ask yourself why you like what you like, and why you want to change something about yourself. I felt compelled to write about some of the current and future effects of our flawed approach toward what is, and how to be beautiful/handsome/sexy. To summarise: an obsession with beauty
breeds insecurity, discontentment, superficiality, envy and vanity.
It's the reason why we have come to believe the bold and the beautiful are the only ones whose voices should be heard. If someone is notorious enough, they deserve our attention, even on important matters. For example, how many people got hyped and actually started to do some research when their favourite celebrity posted a #BringBackOurGirls picture? Well let's hope Boko Haram are fans too then.
Empirically, for the average millennial, beauty and/or measurable success represent power and thus are the features that make us feel that we've made it in life. We aspire, dream, plan and accomplish but spend very little time doing the same to build character.
Placing so much importance on physical appeal teaches us to objectify each other. How many of us would consider dating someone below what we think is our level of attractiveness, or the level that we deserve? How many of us will respect someone enough not to engage in physical intimacy in a mere effort to satisfy our own impulses? A handful. So many have been left scarred by this kind of abuse, most don't even know they are being abused.
Despite all the work done to empower women, we do a remarkable job of tearing each other down, "how could X get with Y, she's not even pretty, she's dark though, she's fat, she's ratchet etc" You want to see a classy woman, listen to how she talks about other women.
It's the reason why we perpetuate the light skin v dark skin war. If we propagate such self-hate on the very essence of who we are, it is rather hypocritical to be infuriated by racism.
It's the reason why Rihanna is more influential than so many women who stand for and affect positive change out in the world. Rihanna will be fiercely defended even while she cyber-bullies a fan to elevate her own status, revels in substance abuse and constantly portrays that controversy is more important than dignity.
It's the reason we teach boys from a young age that being a man means being powerful enough, charming enough, buff enough to acquire an enviable social standing and a woman that displays your success. While also teaching girls that a hot/rich guy is worth any and all heartache, keeping them stuck in infatuation.
It teaches us to market ourselves as accessories, packaged to appeal to someone. We spend so much time working on the impression we make, sometimes faking it in the hopes of making it.
It inclines us to fight against natural processes like aging, childbirth, breast-feeding and encourages us to reject our God-given features by telling us we can alter ourselves until we become who we like. It says: "Who cares about authenticity and personality when your crooked teeth is all people see when you smile?"
It's the reason why there is premature sexual activity in our generation, and the starting age gets lower each year. Many little girls grow up wanting to be noticed for their looks rather than their smarts because being pretty will get you that prince, and that pageant. Pretty opens doors. Modesty is for prudes. After all, nobody knows who the female heads of states are. It's all about what gets your phone buzzing incessantly.
It's the reason why we idolise people who are just as fallible as we are, then are so quick to condemn their public failures. How viral do pictures of celebrities on a bad day go? Contrastingly, we condone many of their repugnant actions as if they are somehow above moral high ground.
It's the reason why for Instagram/Facebook community, 'likes' translate to relevance. Sometimes it's a place to share memories, humour, spontaneity, joy and inspiration, but it's also commonplace for cyber-bullying, fantasy and where many wouldn't be caught dead in an unflattering photo. A picture does not say a thousand words. A glossy, edited picture does not necessarily translate to true beauty, a truly happy moment, genuine friendships, a perfect life or a perfect relationship.
It's the reason why our generation is liberal with the term 'ugly' and unapologetic in our ill-treatment of others. This feeds pride and creates a false and grossly unwarranted sense of superiority.
It's the reason why eating disorders and body dysmorphia will continue to plague the world.
It's the reason why without apt counseling and truth reinforcements our children will grow up believing they are not worthy of love, and if high regard is placed on their looks, they will find their value and entitlement in that.
It's one of the main reasons why fidelity will fade into a myth and the rate of divorce will continue to rise. Such men and women will continue to seek thrills and excitement due to unmet expectations. I always hear how it's a woman's job to keep a man. That you have to try all the clothes, modifications, tricks and wiles in the book, put it down and know how to cook to get chosen, all the while fending off vultures to keep him. I always roll my eyes. I cannot stress enough how ridiculous that is. If someone is holding you to that, cut yourself loose. What should draw a man to you is your essence, and what should keep him
interested is his commitment to love you and keep finding things to love about you. Go to the gym together, it's not just your chore.
It's the reason why women are judged more by their ability to entice and to nurture rather than to lead, challenge and achieve. Many will try to shut down or walk away from an individual that turns out to be more challenging than what they bargained for. There is a time to be quiet and a time to speak up or take the initiative even if it means being abrasive. How easy is it for us girls to post a twerk video and keep quiet about issues that matter. It's easy to sit in the corner and look cute and spend much of your life auditioning for that ride or die/ the good wife role. What's admirable is to break barriers and stereotypes, fiercely and gracefully.
It's the reason why pageants are still out there, telling us all that to achieve world peace and affect positive change, you need to have a dazzling smile, long hair and a slender body. Don't you ever, shy away from the spotlight because of how you look.
It's the reason why our self-worth is so fragile, because we believe deep down that beauty is extraordinary, something which not everyone has. Which is the ultimate lie.
The only person whose opinion you should lose sleep over, is God's.. after all, you were made in His image.. and this is what he has to say:
People are broken, temperamental, sometimes chubby, balding and getting older and closer to death every day. But they are still worthy of love.
Sure, we can dream of ending up with the stunners but good looks don't make a successful marriage. Stop striving to appeal to the masses and believe in what you have to offer. Character is what makes you a true catch, ask anyone who has had a divorce. There will also always be someone with a sharper nose, longer hair, broader shoulders, more money etc etc than you, but there will still never be another you. You have a
unique combination of looks, talent, and purpose. Embrace that. Allow God to make your heart more beautiful through love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Let that be the template you carry around. When you're tempted to compare, don't. Find new mentors, those whose work changes the world for the better, not those who want to be worshipped. If you tie your definition of beauty/value to the world's standards, it will continue to elude you. Soon you will come to realise that your face/body is not your legacy, how you touch lives is. If you don't find security in this truth, you will not find it anywhere else.
To end with a poignant verse from 'Pretty Hurts' *clears throat*:
When you're alone all by yourself
And you're lying in your bed
Your reflection stares right into you
Are you happy with yourself?
You stripped away the masquerade
The illusion has been shed
Are you happy with yourself?
I consider myself a moderate consumer of pop culture with an innate confidence, and yet I am no stranger to the allures of the glossy and glamorous lifestyle. While I, and most people I've spoken to say they'd never go the full monty with cosmetic surgery, most of us have felt at some point or another that longer legs, harder abs, more sculpted arms et al wouldn't go amiss. I will go on record to say that last week I spent approximately two hours idling through photos of Irina Shayk and Cristiano Ronaldo, wondering what a girl's gotta do to get one of those. I've spent more time than I care to admit, trying to investigate from all angles whether Kim Kardashian's bum could have naturally occurred.
Before the guys start shaking their heads, I've met more than my fair share of men shrouded in insecurity. Yes, males too can feel inadequate next to the David Beckhams, Jesse Williams', 'boys next door and Mr Steal Your Girls of the world.. they just don't cry about it, they use bravado to conceal it. Mintel, a market analysis group, reported an increase in the consumption of male grooming products. The number of cosmetic procedures are on the rise too, comparatively fewer but just as extreme as those available to women.
Now, we often say beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that it's all about self confidence, but is it really though? In a world of 6 billion odd uniquely gifted and genetically diverse people we've still managed to conjure up a universal standard of beauty, subjecting ourselves and others to it and contributing to a 'grass is always greener' mentality. When it comes to beauty; models, sports stars and screen celebrities have set the standard. Their talent captivates and their features mesmerise. Knowing very little about their personal lives, it's easy to imagine the ways in which our lives as commonfolk would be better, (how much more attention we'd draw, or how much more respect we'd garner) if we had certain physical attributes.
I've been watching Last Chance Salon, a show detailing reparative measures on botched surgeries and with each episode I felt increasingly strongly that there is something inherently wrong with the general message, and the general understanding of beauty out there. Whether it's online, in the mirror or out on the street, we spend many hours of our lifetime scrutinising ourselves and others. We will enhance, nip, tuck, extend, pull, straighten, work out, darken and lighten all in an effort to improve what we don't like about ourselves. Sometimes doing so gives us an extra short-lived boost that we need but what's really sad is that at the core, without it, we feel utterly ashamed and even invalidated.
The Rolling Stone magazine described the disparity between Maria Sharapova and Serena Williams' appeal stating: "Sharapova is tall, white and blond, and, because of that, makes more money in endorsements than Serena, who is black, beautiful and built like one of those monster trucks that crushes Volkswagens at sports arenas." This insult-hidden-in-a-complement frustrated me because it is an example of how easily diversity is rejected and how possessing certain looks can overshadow your talent, intelligence and personality. Through constant exposure and years of subtle conditioning, are gradually coerced to conform to and appreciate these polished and enhanced images. We think we're more judicious than that... but really, We're not.
Literature Review (haha!)
I
chose to write my (tormenting) Bachelor's dissertation on trends in
medical tourism, and without getting into the stats, look around you. Billion dollar industries have been built psychologically targeting our fears and perceived imperfections. The desire to be desirable is God-given. We've been trained to respond to what pleases our
senses, our eyes especially, and equate it with happiness. Neuroaestheticians on CNN made two interesting points: first, that we are biologically wired to appreciate features such as symmetry and second, not only does our perception of beauty affect our self image, it can affect salary and even prison sentence. I read something about the physical attractiveness stereotype. Compressed, it means people believe good-looking people have good morals, are smarter, more important, more employable and have better outcomes in life. This guy Hammermesh went on to write a book, giving evidence about all the economic benefits of being beautiful, (better loan negotiations etc) and to top it off, their likelihood to settle down and procreate with other beautiful people. It certainly explains why I'm always shocked when Chris Brown is locked up for beating someone up. So what does it mean for everyone else outside this bracket? Well, those of us who can't afford or won't do much to fix ourselves shrug and get on with life, yet we absorb these criteria, aspire toward them and carry them around as a template in our everyday interactions and relationships.
 |
| Same model, same day. |
It's the reason why we have come to believe the bold and the beautiful are the only ones whose voices should be heard. If someone is notorious enough, they deserve our attention, even on important matters. For example, how many people got hyped and actually started to do some research when their favourite celebrity posted a #BringBackOurGirls picture? Well let's hope Boko Haram are fans too then.
Empirically, for the average millennial, beauty and/or measurable success represent power and thus are the features that make us feel that we've made it in life. We aspire, dream, plan and accomplish but spend very little time doing the same to build character.Placing so much importance on physical appeal teaches us to objectify each other. How many of us would consider dating someone below what we think is our level of attractiveness, or the level that we deserve? How many of us will respect someone enough not to engage in physical intimacy in a mere effort to satisfy our own impulses? A handful. So many have been left scarred by this kind of abuse, most don't even know they are being abused.
Despite all the work done to empower women, we do a remarkable job of tearing each other down, "how could X get with Y, she's not even pretty, she's dark though, she's fat, she's ratchet etc" You want to see a classy woman, listen to how she talks about other women.
It's the reason why we perpetuate the light skin v dark skin war. If we propagate such self-hate on the very essence of who we are, it is rather hypocritical to be infuriated by racism.
It's the reason why Rihanna is more influential than so many women who stand for and affect positive change out in the world. Rihanna will be fiercely defended even while she cyber-bullies a fan to elevate her own status, revels in substance abuse and constantly portrays that controversy is more important than dignity.
 |
It teaches us to market ourselves as accessories, packaged to appeal to someone. We spend so much time working on the impression we make, sometimes faking it in the hopes of making it.
It inclines us to fight against natural processes like aging, childbirth, breast-feeding and encourages us to reject our God-given features by telling us we can alter ourselves until we become who we like. It says: "Who cares about authenticity and personality when your crooked teeth is all people see when you smile?"
It's the reason why there is premature sexual activity in our generation, and the starting age gets lower each year. Many little girls grow up wanting to be noticed for their looks rather than their smarts because being pretty will get you that prince, and that pageant. Pretty opens doors. Modesty is for prudes. After all, nobody knows who the female heads of states are. It's all about what gets your phone buzzing incessantly.
It's the reason why we idolise people who are just as fallible as we are, then are so quick to condemn their public failures. How viral do pictures of celebrities on a bad day go? Contrastingly, we condone many of their repugnant actions as if they are somehow above moral high ground.
It's the reason why for Instagram/Facebook community, 'likes' translate to relevance. Sometimes it's a place to share memories, humour, spontaneity, joy and inspiration, but it's also commonplace for cyber-bullying, fantasy and where many wouldn't be caught dead in an unflattering photo. A picture does not say a thousand words. A glossy, edited picture does not necessarily translate to true beauty, a truly happy moment, genuine friendships, a perfect life or a perfect relationship. It's the reason why our generation is liberal with the term 'ugly' and unapologetic in our ill-treatment of others. This feeds pride and creates a false and grossly unwarranted sense of superiority.
It's the reason why eating disorders and body dysmorphia will continue to plague the world.It's the reason why without apt counseling and truth reinforcements our children will grow up believing they are not worthy of love, and if high regard is placed on their looks, they will find their value and entitlement in that.
It's one of the main reasons why fidelity will fade into a myth and the rate of divorce will continue to rise. Such men and women will continue to seek thrills and excitement due to unmet expectations. I always hear how it's a woman's job to keep a man. That you have to try all the clothes, modifications, tricks and wiles in the book, put it down and know how to cook to get chosen, all the while fending off vultures to keep him. I always roll my eyes. I cannot stress enough how ridiculous that is. If someone is holding you to that, cut yourself loose. What should draw a man to you is your essence, and what should keep him
interested is his commitment to love you and keep finding things to love about you. Go to the gym together, it's not just your chore.It's the reason why women are judged more by their ability to entice and to nurture rather than to lead, challenge and achieve. Many will try to shut down or walk away from an individual that turns out to be more challenging than what they bargained for. There is a time to be quiet and a time to speak up or take the initiative even if it means being abrasive. How easy is it for us girls to post a twerk video and keep quiet about issues that matter. It's easy to sit in the corner and look cute and spend much of your life auditioning for that ride or die/ the good wife role. What's admirable is to break barriers and stereotypes, fiercely and gracefully.
It's the reason why pageants are still out there, telling us all that to achieve world peace and affect positive change, you need to have a dazzling smile, long hair and a slender body. Don't you ever, shy away from the spotlight because of how you look.
It's the reason why our self-worth is so fragile, because we believe deep down that beauty is extraordinary, something which not everyone has. Which is the ultimate lie.
The only person whose opinion you should lose sleep over, is God's.. after all, you were made in His image.. and this is what he has to say:
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. - 1 Peter 3:3-4
You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. -Song of Solomon 4:7
But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” -1 Samuel 16:7
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. -Proverbs 31:30
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. -Psalm 139:13-14
Sure, we can dream of ending up with the stunners but good looks don't make a successful marriage. Stop striving to appeal to the masses and believe in what you have to offer. Character is what makes you a true catch, ask anyone who has had a divorce. There will also always be someone with a sharper nose, longer hair, broader shoulders, more money etc etc than you, but there will still never be another you. You have a
unique combination of looks, talent, and purpose. Embrace that. Allow God to make your heart more beautiful through love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Let that be the template you carry around. When you're tempted to compare, don't. Find new mentors, those whose work changes the world for the better, not those who want to be worshipped. If you tie your definition of beauty/value to the world's standards, it will continue to elude you. Soon you will come to realise that your face/body is not your legacy, how you touch lives is. If you don't find security in this truth, you will not find it anywhere else. To end with a poignant verse from 'Pretty Hurts' *clears throat*:
When you're alone all by yourself And you're lying in your bed
Your reflection stares right into you
Are you happy with yourself?
You stripped away the masquerade
The illusion has been shed
Are you happy with yourself?
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