The Dying Art of Platonic Relationships

Platonic relationships nowadays are very few and far between. It's rare to come across genuine, simple brotherly-sisterly affection among men and women that aren't actually related. It's either all (a relationship) or nothing. Many of us will only go out of our way to invest our time, resources and affection into friendships of the opposite sex if and when there is romantic interest. That seems worthwhile and that seems appropriate. Doing just as much for anything less than a potential future partner seems to be generally regarded as foolish or a waste of time because you'd be categorised as being in "the friend zone" which is a dead-end that must be resisted at all costs or desperately escaped. 

Everyone professes to have a mortal fear of heartbreak but many of us will casually dive in heart-first into 'flirtationships' and intimacy and then be horrified when we discover that the person is, in some way or another, not in fact who we thought they were or that we cannot accept their flaws. We dole out inordinate amounts of affection but often end up miserable and barely able to communicate with someone we once "loved." To pacify ourselves we tell each other that this is the natural progression of a relationship when it just "doesn't work out" but I propose that it isn't. It is the dysfunction that occurs when at our core, there is an impulsive and impetuous entitlement to instant gratification. A relationship at the wrong time is the wrong relationship, even if it is "the right person".

When we cease to believe in and nurture such friendships, several pathological patterns occur, many of which are evident in our society today. Men and women become perennially suspicious of each other's motives. A simple message may be subjected to scrutiny and various untoward interpretations. Secondly, we enter into accelerated relationships that end catastrophically because they began prematurely. Thirdly, we endure chronic heart ache because at any point we can feel led on or lead someone else on when boundaries are not clearly articulated. Finally and most importantly, we miss out on the opportunity to care and be cared for, to build each other up and to benefit from the wisdom and experiences of those different to us. 

Even in romantic pursuit, the friendship stage is precious and so cherishable and worth savouring because that is the time you get to know each other without the weight of expectations and you are able give to each other without the pressure of reciprocation. It is the time to build transparency and give that person a chance to make a commitment based on character not superficial personality or 'chemistry.' God has not promised everyone marriage. And while he may bestow the gift and calling to be good partners to many of us, he also calls us to be good friends, sisters, brothers, children, neighbours to all the people God has placed in our lives. If you have anger issues, you don't wait until you're dating someone to rectify them. Practise forbearance and forgiveness with your friends and family. When the season and the person for a relationship arises; you will reap the fruit of the many lives you sowed into. That is certain.

So ladies, yes a man should articulate his intentions with you, but not off the bat. It's simply not realistic or wise. Be actively patient and give yourself time to be friends, guarding your heart and making use of healthy boundaries that go against your urge to open up too fast. Take a lot of time to prayerfully consider, seeking wisdom and counsel from mature Christian parents, friends, pastors. That means being willing to see him as a brother in Christ for the longest (as my sister says lol) which is absolutely possible. Even many of us ladies already in relationships tend to get so consumed with our boyfriend/fiance that we no longer see it fit to give any more energy to the friends, male and female, in our lives. Healthy boundaries and a Christlike love can make a safe environment for your friendships to continue flourishing and also for you to avoid being codependent in your relationship.

Male relationships as I have observed, don't often require much emotional or spiritual investment so being the kind of friend that digs deep and serves and loves in word and deed will not always come naturally to men. As you submit to Christ, ask him to help you in this regard. To help you know him and expose yourself to him a way that frees you to do the same for others. That means being vulnerable to the sisters God brings into your life. You may be naturally reluctant to trust people but the cure isn't to suddenly find "the one" and bare all to her, it is to steadily practise openness and honesty with the men and women God has already placed in your life and build trust and accountability. 

I must throw out the disclaimer that not everyone can be your friend. As we pray about people God gives us discernment and the wisdom to act accordingly. You cannot coerce a friendship if someone is not interested in getting to know you or if they are determined to hook up with you any chance they get.. But as far as it depends on you, be sincere in your behaviour. "To make a friend, be a friend" I've heard it said.

I love the description of David and Jonathan's friendship. These two had such a strong and genuine bromance they didn't care who saw.

"As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father's house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt." 1 Samuel 18:1-4 ESV

That guy or girl may be the finest thing you have ever seen but the best way to honour them and to honour God is to treat them as you would, your sister or brother.. Until God makes it clear to you both that you are to be married. That means waiting as long as it takes for that first kiss, waiting to hold hands, proving yourself trustworthy before he/she opens up their heart.. and foregoing many of the things that feel so urgent in the moment, that we feel we so desperately need to express until the safe and blessed context of marriage.

"Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity." 1 Timothy 5:1-2 ESV

Ladies and gentlemen, you will never regret waiting.

So it turns out, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You're not missing out on something if you don't fall in love with someone. Friendship is the gift that keeps on giving, as you both mature in Christ throughout the seasons; there is an innocence and longevity in friendship that most of your romantic relationships will not provide. Don't be deceived by the lie that you have to be romantically involved with someone to feel or give love to the fullest capacity. When you choose to be a friend and give your time, affection and energy as God leads you, you receive a different kind of beauty; one with eternal significance. So keep your friends close and be on the lookout for new brothers and sisters. Enrich one another in maturity and Christlikeness. If you fall for them at some point, be honest with them and submit your feelings to the will and timing of God. In the event that a relationship fails to materialise, be your friend's cheerleader. Stand with them and don't run away. Don't yield to your injured pride. If you do go on to date and marry it will be a beautiful and encouraging witness to other believers running the race and struggling with similar struggles. If you do not get to the aisle, you can still retain genuine respect and affection for each other, by God's grace.

"Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honour." Romans 12:10 ESV

“For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.”

Matthew 22:30 ESV

If marriage really was the highest form of intimacy we could ever achieve, wouldn't he want everyone to be married? Wouldn't we be married in heaven too? A man and woman being friends, true friends, should not just be a last resort; it should be the best case scenario. This notion is not unprecedented, it is inspired by the God who loves us perfectly and shows us in his word what it looks like to walk in love and who, interestingly, did not feel it essential to fall in love with a particular girl and get married in his 33 years on earth.

I propose that the friend zone, may just be one of the most edifying and fulfilling places you'll ever find yourself.