Bad boys bad boys; what you gonna do when they come for you?
Badgyal Riri sang it when she said "I've got a thug in my life, how am I gonna tell my mama? She's gonna say it ain't right, but he's so good to me.." it's a struggle as old as time.
What is it about bad boys that renders so many otherwise intelligent women utterly impotent in their presence? How is it that with their brashness and rough-around-the-edges approach we find ourselves yearning for their approval? There could be a number of reasons; a penchant for danger, the intrigue of the gamble and or just the desire to win them over. More times than I care to admit I find myself rooting for the intense, brooding, brutish, uncouth, arrogant characters. They are among the best actors, the best athletes, the best artists, the best models. Sure, I love a good ballad but if you caught me singing Breezy and Usher's 'New Flame' you too would agree there is just something about these types that's just so hard to resist..
Well, to be fair they are not categorically bad. They typically make you smile like no one
else can, laugh the most, they make you feel "a certain
type of way" yet make you want to do things you would never otherwise
do. Literally charming the pants off you and unwittingly landing you
in emotional turmoil all the while making you feel good while they are at it.
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Many women like myself have walked down this road at some point, for a lucky few it's a broken bad habit, for others however; it was the spark that lit a consequential trail of bad decisions.
In my quest to become a better me, I had to ask myself why I am perennially attracted to these mysterious, elusive types when I have been burnt time and again. Clearly I am not as wise as I thought, do I not warn my friends about the very same pit before I fall into it? Why do so many women live disenchanted lived after marrying the man of their dreams? Are we doomed? Maybe I'm writing this post cos I can't figure out why Olivia won't just settle with Jake and all this other foolishness behind! Haha. Well to say there is a cure would be presumptuous, but to curb this fixation with bad boys we need to begin by identifying the needs they fulfill; and I speak for myself, but maybe, I'm not the only one. Maybe one day I will have a daughter and you know what they say about being forewarned..
The need to be desired- Research into the neuroanatomy of intimacy has revealed that there is little else that compares to the naturally-occurring high that is induced by the hormone oxytocin. Infatuation is not an exclusively teenage phenomenon. For example, when a HOT guy, who in my mind would never have fancied little old me suddenly falls into my lap, I am enthralled, orange flags are ignored until they turn into red flags and quite frankly, I'm just happy to be along for the ride. Inundated with attention, my guard lowers and my undoing begins. The cute messages and late night calls, the way he holds your hand in public and seemingly understands you can at times be the smoke and mirrors that distract us from asking the deeper questions, sometimes questions we don't want the answers to. Does this person really respect me? Do they value me enough to pursue me exclusively? As we duck and dive excuses begin to emerge; we defend these men to our detriment, push away anyone who tries to make us see the light, "but we understand each other, we share a special bond, other people don't know the side that he shows me." But the glaring truth remains: it's most likely that that bad boy we desperately want sees us a conquest or a means for his gratification and will not be held accountable for his actions. The flame grows cold and you realise that what you really want meat, not just a bone to chew on.
Reckless abandon without regard to the consequences aka YOLO. Life presents scarce opportunities to make our fantasies a reality, so when they come knocking we grab it with both hands and have at it. Bad boys provide the escape where you don't have to think- just do. But then comes the sour taste of regret. Things go left. Maybe he is slowly distancing himself, or you found out he has a girlfriend, or he is not willing to invest in anything more than a physical relationship.. Maybe he is abusive, (emotionally, verbally, physically..) the symptoms are innumerable but the prognosis is singular. We owe it to our hearts to be more responsible in leading them to safe ground. That means foregoing immediate pleasures as a testament to what you know is worth waiting for. Experience isn't always the best teacher and much of the heartache young women face can be avoided.
A preoccupation with the packaging rather than the actual content aka "relationship goals." Not only do we love the idea of being taken, we love the relationships that look good. Social media has purpoted the notion that a perfect picture is a positive picture, i.e. Jay Z and Beyonce giggling equates to a healthy, happy and loving relationship. Ergo if nothing else, we can hold on to a bad boy just so we can caption our pictures 'current situation' as a slap in the face to our 'haters' and breed envy in the hearts of our (friends) followers. It could be their smile, or the way they look at you, or the way they draw you in then push you away, maybe its the way they dress, or their wit, the way they dance, the way they take you down. Something about their presence drives you crazy and reels you in. Its the appeal of this forbidden fruit that has us often so focused on sensual appeal instead of character. When we reward people for external traits with our hearts we inevitably get caught up in a haze instead of taking the time to develop and cultivate a relationship based on what we know truly holds weight; beliefs, values and character. When we don't pause, our emotions get ahead of us and we can find ourselves jilted, in so deep yet not knowing where we stand.
Low self-esteem. On any given day we can feel
unattractive, unwanted or even unlovable. For many of us there is a
abiding underlying longing for affirmation through the affection and
acceptance of others. The fact that we could bag the popular one, the hot one is suddenly a massive ego boost. So we run into the arms of someone who soothes
that ache with short bursts of inconsistent effort. They make us feel
noticed and their interest, albeit fickle- makes us feel worthy. We're
afraid to ask for more or expect too much so we compensate for where they lack; if he won't call, we do. If he won't take us out, we take him out, hell if he won't propose, we do! So when disappointment
comes, we're even afraid to remove the yoke. The belief that having any
man is better than having no man is a myth so many of us will gladly
cling onto to comfort ourselves and help us sleep at night.
A misguided search for love.
Who doesn't want a happy ending, right? The modern-day woman however, is
willing to improvise for that ending, if she can't get a fairy tale, or a man
to work for her like Jacob did for Rachel she will ride or die.. Or
settle. Well-intentioned women can believe they have to be proactive in their search for love so much so that when Tom shows interest he is given the green
light, not always physically, but to their soul. Which is even more precarious. He makes himself at home in her heart with superficial signs of affection until the other shoe drops. She leaves him and without much reflection bumps into Dick who seems like a better deal because he didn't have Tom's anger issues. But Dick has so many prospects on rotation and openly tells her this, but that she is different.. so she waits for him to choose her and gets tired of waiting, then Harry comes along.. the consummate gentleman, who befriends her, woos her, talks to her, listens to her then tells her he isn't ready for a relationship, he does not want to label things. The scenarios are countless and while the men can be labelled the villains, it is always our prerogative to stop, heal and consciously learn from our experiences before throwing ourselves into the next adventure. True love is a rarity simply because
few are willing to freely pay the price of constant sacrifice and
commitment. Women are inherently more nurturing and thus more readily
empathise but if you have to compromise, coerce, cajole all to get him to stay, free yourself from the plantation baby girl. In a world where so much progress is made toward gender quality,
very few of us believe we are worth the pursuit when JESUS said we were
worth dying for. 'But that's Jesus and he died for the whole world' you
might think, but he also told husbands to love their wives like he loved
the world- enough to die for them. Most of these boys can't even buy
you ibuprofen for your period pain much less inspire your physical and
spiritual wellbeing. Society today tells us that having expectations is a
weakness and a sign of a lack of independence.. But it's a set up guys.
Don't fall for it lool.
The challenge to tame the beast.
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One of the occupational hazards of being perceptive is believing you can fix the inner damage that you see. This resonates highly with me.
One common reason for staying in unhealthy relationships is believing that our
endurance and love will heal a broken person. There is a difference
between patiently and loving supporting someone who admits their
weaknesses and sees the need to change, and enabling a chronic
egomaniac. As some who enjoys analysing things, my pride once had me
believe that if I pointed out someone's flaws they could fix them. How
wrong was I? Depending on our relationship with God, we all have some
measure of brokenness, something at our core needs fixing. Sometimes God
uses other people to challenge us to step out of our comfort zone but
this process begins with the individual being convicted their
brokenness. Any hope for change before this point is futile. A man gets
out of his comfort zone to grow, a bad boy is paralysed by fear and
pride. More times than we realise, these dudes are purely unrepentant. They genuinely don't see anything wrong with their selfish, toxic behaviour. Women sometimes hate feeling like their compassion wasn't enough or that their abilities failed, so pride keeps them there, 'holding that man down' hoping to get the credits at the end of the movie. If you care
so much about someone with character issues, your presence can be a
positive influence but probably not on the dating level. This requires more discernment than others because staying with a habitual cheater who confesses and swears to change each time is a lot like walking around in a lion's den telling yourself it just ate.
Sometimes we put our faith, hopes and dreams in the wrong person. Bad things do happen to good people and in our fallibility, we will not always have the foresight to prevent every curveball. The key is not to beat yourself up and wallow in self-pity, but to accept your lack of control over the outcome, pick up your dignity and move forward. I have seen that the most valuable lessons in life are learned over a long period of time, never instantaneously.
SO WHAT TO MAKE OF ALL THIS?
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The Song of Solomon is a beautiful allegory depicting the love between a man and a woman. God is love, he loves love. His love is the only love that can make a human perfect. When you receive His love and live in it, you will be inspired to love in a healthy way. You will seek a love that brings out the best in you and the other person. Taste and see that the Lord is good. The love that the world offers is distorted and leaves us empty and disillusioned. You are valued and loved before anybody says you are. Place your confidence in that fact, repeat it day and night to yourself if you have to, and you shall not be easily moved by superficial qualities.
What is it about bad boys that renders so many otherwise intelligent women utterly impotent in their presence? How is it that with their brashness and rough-around-the-edges approach we find ourselves yearning for their approval? There could be a number of reasons; a penchant for danger, the intrigue of the gamble and or just the desire to win them over. More times than I care to admit I find myself rooting for the intense, brooding, brutish, uncouth, arrogant characters. They are among the best actors, the best athletes, the best artists, the best models. Sure, I love a good ballad but if you caught me singing Breezy and Usher's 'New Flame' you too would agree there is just something about these types that's just so hard to resist..
Many women like myself have walked down this road at some point, for a lucky few it's a broken bad habit, for others however; it was the spark that lit a consequential trail of bad decisions.
In my quest to become a better me, I had to ask myself why I am perennially attracted to these mysterious, elusive types when I have been burnt time and again. Clearly I am not as wise as I thought, do I not warn my friends about the very same pit before I fall into it? Why do so many women live disenchanted lived after marrying the man of their dreams? Are we doomed? Maybe I'm writing this post cos I can't figure out why Olivia won't just settle with Jake and all this other foolishness behind! Haha. Well to say there is a cure would be presumptuous, but to curb this fixation with bad boys we need to begin by identifying the needs they fulfill; and I speak for myself, but maybe, I'm not the only one. Maybe one day I will have a daughter and you know what they say about being forewarned..
The need to be desired- Research into the neuroanatomy of intimacy has revealed that there is little else that compares to the naturally-occurring high that is induced by the hormone oxytocin. Infatuation is not an exclusively teenage phenomenon. For example, when a HOT guy, who in my mind would never have fancied little old me suddenly falls into my lap, I am enthralled, orange flags are ignored until they turn into red flags and quite frankly, I'm just happy to be along for the ride. Inundated with attention, my guard lowers and my undoing begins. The cute messages and late night calls, the way he holds your hand in public and seemingly understands you can at times be the smoke and mirrors that distract us from asking the deeper questions, sometimes questions we don't want the answers to. Does this person really respect me? Do they value me enough to pursue me exclusively? As we duck and dive excuses begin to emerge; we defend these men to our detriment, push away anyone who tries to make us see the light, "but we understand each other, we share a special bond, other people don't know the side that he shows me." But the glaring truth remains: it's most likely that that bad boy we desperately want sees us a conquest or a means for his gratification and will not be held accountable for his actions. The flame grows cold and you realise that what you really want meat, not just a bone to chew on.
Reckless abandon without regard to the consequences aka YOLO. Life presents scarce opportunities to make our fantasies a reality, so when they come knocking we grab it with both hands and have at it. Bad boys provide the escape where you don't have to think- just do. But then comes the sour taste of regret. Things go left. Maybe he is slowly distancing himself, or you found out he has a girlfriend, or he is not willing to invest in anything more than a physical relationship.. Maybe he is abusive, (emotionally, verbally, physically..) the symptoms are innumerable but the prognosis is singular. We owe it to our hearts to be more responsible in leading them to safe ground. That means foregoing immediate pleasures as a testament to what you know is worth waiting for. Experience isn't always the best teacher and much of the heartache young women face can be avoided.
A preoccupation with the packaging rather than the actual content aka "relationship goals." Not only do we love the idea of being taken, we love the relationships that look good. Social media has purpoted the notion that a perfect picture is a positive picture, i.e. Jay Z and Beyonce giggling equates to a healthy, happy and loving relationship. Ergo if nothing else, we can hold on to a bad boy just so we can caption our pictures 'current situation' as a slap in the face to our 'haters' and breed envy in the hearts of our (friends) followers. It could be their smile, or the way they look at you, or the way they draw you in then push you away, maybe its the way they dress, or their wit, the way they dance, the way they take you down. Something about their presence drives you crazy and reels you in. Its the appeal of this forbidden fruit that has us often so focused on sensual appeal instead of character. When we reward people for external traits with our hearts we inevitably get caught up in a haze instead of taking the time to develop and cultivate a relationship based on what we know truly holds weight; beliefs, values and character. When we don't pause, our emotions get ahead of us and we can find ourselves jilted, in so deep yet not knowing where we stand.
Low self-esteem. On any given day we can feel
unattractive, unwanted or even unlovable. For many of us there is a
abiding underlying longing for affirmation through the affection and
acceptance of others. The fact that we could bag the popular one, the hot one is suddenly a massive ego boost. So we run into the arms of someone who soothes
that ache with short bursts of inconsistent effort. They make us feel
noticed and their interest, albeit fickle- makes us feel worthy. We're
afraid to ask for more or expect too much so we compensate for where they lack; if he won't call, we do. If he won't take us out, we take him out, hell if he won't propose, we do! So when disappointment
comes, we're even afraid to remove the yoke. The belief that having any
man is better than having no man is a myth so many of us will gladly
cling onto to comfort ourselves and help us sleep at night. A misguided search for love.
Who doesn't want a happy ending, right? The modern-day woman however, is
willing to improvise for that ending, if she can't get a fairy tale, or a man
to work for her like Jacob did for Rachel she will ride or die.. Or
settle. Well-intentioned women can believe they have to be proactive in their search for love so much so that when Tom shows interest he is given the green
light, not always physically, but to their soul. Which is even more precarious. He makes himself at home in her heart with superficial signs of affection until the other shoe drops. She leaves him and without much reflection bumps into Dick who seems like a better deal because he didn't have Tom's anger issues. But Dick has so many prospects on rotation and openly tells her this, but that she is different.. so she waits for him to choose her and gets tired of waiting, then Harry comes along.. the consummate gentleman, who befriends her, woos her, talks to her, listens to her then tells her he isn't ready for a relationship, he does not want to label things. The scenarios are countless and while the men can be labelled the villains, it is always our prerogative to stop, heal and consciously learn from our experiences before throwing ourselves into the next adventure. True love is a rarity simply because
few are willing to freely pay the price of constant sacrifice and
commitment. Women are inherently more nurturing and thus more readily
empathise but if you have to compromise, coerce, cajole all to get him to stay, free yourself from the plantation baby girl. In a world where so much progress is made toward gender quality,
very few of us believe we are worth the pursuit when JESUS said we were
worth dying for. 'But that's Jesus and he died for the whole world' you
might think, but he also told husbands to love their wives like he loved
the world- enough to die for them. Most of these boys can't even buy
you ibuprofen for your period pain much less inspire your physical and
spiritual wellbeing. Society today tells us that having expectations is a
weakness and a sign of a lack of independence.. But it's a set up guys.
Don't fall for it lool. The challenge to tame the beast.
Sometimes we put our faith, hopes and dreams in the wrong person. Bad things do happen to good people and in our fallibility, we will not always have the foresight to prevent every curveball. The key is not to beat yourself up and wallow in self-pity, but to accept your lack of control over the outcome, pick up your dignity and move forward. I have seen that the most valuable lessons in life are learned over a long period of time, never instantaneously.
SO WHAT TO MAKE OF ALL THIS?
- As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly. Proverbs 26:11 Let us make conscious and consistent resolutions to learn from our errors and to do better. Don't keep walking the same path hoping for a different outcome. Where change is clearly necessary, let it begin with you.
- The desires for love and affection are healthy and God-given but when misdirected and without honourable intent will lead to catastrophic repercussions.
- Resist the proclivity to become embittered, daunted or afraid of the prospect of being single, or single forever. God knows you uniquely and called you to a singular purpose, this is the time to find Him and immerse yourself in that purpose. There is nothing to be proud of in being taken if you are taken for granted.
- Many situations in life are truly desperate and relationships should never be one of them. If you find your striving just to get appreciation ole girl, begging for the longer end of the stick.. let it goooo, let it gooo *Frozen voice*
- Prudence and prayerful consideration goes a long way in gauging at what point and with whom emotional intimacy is appropriate.
- The sea of hotties is endless, they will approach you again and again, even on your bad days but not all will want to engage with you in a meaningful way, don't humour them all. Standards ladies, get you some.
- If you don't satisfy every craving you will eventually lose your taste for it. If you deny yourself the momentary pleasure of the company of a bad boy when it counts you will gain from the pleasure of richer, fulfilling relationships.
- Bad boys are sadists whose brokenness is contagious, don't make light of giving your heart to someone who will only make sport out of it. A good man is secure in his goodness, he esteems women, he is simply human like you, but he is adequate. When you meet one you will be able to tell.
- If you know how to swim, you won't ever be afraid to rock the boat. When it comes to your heart, God tells you to guard it vigilantly. Ask questions, analyse, pray.. leave if you must. Any manipulation no matter how subtle, is powerful.
- When you've finally found the courage to let go, you may be tempted to reconcile as 'just friends.' Friend, you will not die without the friendship of someone who does not respect you, dare I say it you may even be better off!
- Don't worry too much about trying to get an understanding or an apology or even revenge from your past bad boys; you might not be his lesson, but he will surely reap what he sowed. Believe that.
- Your resolve will be tested but if you believe the truth, you can afford to pass without looking over your shoulder. (Had to throw this meme in, found it funny)
The Song of Solomon is a beautiful allegory depicting the love between a man and a woman. God is love, he loves love. His love is the only love that can make a human perfect. When you receive His love and live in it, you will be inspired to love in a healthy way. You will seek a love that brings out the best in you and the other person. Taste and see that the Lord is good. The love that the world offers is distorted and leaves us empty and disillusioned. You are valued and loved before anybody says you are. Place your confidence in that fact, repeat it day and night to yourself if you have to, and you shall not be easily moved by superficial qualities.
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