When to hold 'em and when to fold 'em

I've always been an invested kind of person. I don't know how to go halfway because why leave things unsaid? Be intentional about everything. I have to admit though, that in the cold world we live in today, it feels like a weakness most days.

I've always believed that kindness is seeking to understand, empathise and encourage. Asking questions, caring in a way that comes naturally yet goes the extra mile, expressing compassion. It's giving someone else joy and ultimately- desiring what's best for them. So what that looks like in my interactions with people is digging deep but I often don't stop there. I dig deep too, share, analyse and offer insights.. To my own detriment sometimes. I do this because I want rich relationships and it's been a blessing to share in the lives of a number of amazing people so far. But why is caring so painful sometimes? It seems that the closer you get, the messier things may potentially become. This is the occupational hazard of bonding. Love is a choice to sacrifice. If it doesn't kill your own pride, if it doesn't require much from you, then you're not doing it right.

At some point, you want good or better for someone only to have your concern spurned. You draw closer to them as they hurt only to be shut out. You try to have those hard but necessary conversations only to be snapped at. Such reactions would be expected if my approach was too intrusive or demanding, you might say. It's possible. However, everybody knows that when your attempt to "love" in the only way you know how to is consistently rebuffed, it hurts. It makes you pause. Many times I've been left feeling sad, unappreciated, desperate and even resentful. Thankfully, God broke through that haze of self-pity and allowed me to take a look at myself through the exposing lens of his word, with the help of my sister's very wise counsel and reflecting on the life my mum lived. Of course I'm not yet done with my lessons but I hope to share some of that vulnerability to help those, like me, who struggle with control.

• I am not as tolerant as I think I am. The moment I get a reaction that doesn't reassure me or affirm my thoughts, I attempt to buffer it with more of my opinion and beliefs. As you can imagine, this has brought a good amount of conflict into many relationships and changed some of them for the worse. It's not only normal to disagree with anyone with a different DNA to yours, it is healthy too. Depending on the nature of the relationship, there is freedom to even disagree on some fundamental issues. Sometimes the kindness that's really needed is simply listening and resisting the impulse to immediately modify. People are multilayered and how long it will take to get to really know them will depend on how much they reveal at a time. Don't anticipate that you have the solution until you have the full picture. You don't need to always fill the gaps with words, just being present may be sufficient. You will win hearts by being the light, instead of trying to explain what it is. 

• The same grace I want others to extend to my character deficits is the same I should give them too. I would love to believe I'm very empathetic but it's more likely that I spend more time thinking about any situation from my perspective while struggling to see it from another's. I tend to elevate my perspective assuming I have all the relevant knowledge, (especially when there's a disagreement) infallible judgement and my feelings gradually become (to me) facts. How prideful and foolish. Kindness is always gracious, keen to extend the benefit of the doubt. Keen to use confrontation for reconciliation's sake and not obliteration. Love is patient. "It is to one's glory to overlook an offence," the bible says. Forgive with eagerness and readiness even before an apology has been asked of you.

• Distinguish between relationships (and even conversations) that are edifying and those which are simply controversial. Don't waste precious time in argumentative relationships that are going nowhere fast. Some people thrive on dissension which will only increase your exasperation and probably make you unkind as a result. “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him. Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes.” Proverbs‬ ‭26:4-5‬‬‬. The first few times I read these verses they seemed in direct contradiction to each other, but God mercifully enlightened me. There is a time to answer and a time not to. Time to have an opinion and not to. Time to oppose and not to. Long, in-depth interventions cannot change a heart, only God can. Even well-meaning advice to an unreceptive heart will just be noise. I'm still learning this because those who know me well know I LOVE to elaborate, philosophise, talk. Haha. 

• Even after all this, there are times you will unavoidably be hurt through no fault of your own. In a way that makes you question whether that friendship/relationship is worth continuing. The disappointment or betrayal or feelings of mistreatment may be qualified but the longer we examine them, the more resentful we will become until we arrive at some point of justice. But we have lived long enough to know that sometimes, things won't be fixed, trust cannot be regained and we will probably die before we get that apology. So, in your lifetime, some relationships as you know them, will end for good. Kindness in this situation, is realising that people's behaviour, opinions, unresolved childhood issues, emotional predispositions, weaknesses, personality disorders, mashave ekumusha kwavo are not for you to fix. Allow them to be. Some people don't know what love is so they will mock you and fail to reciprocate it. This is the hardest one for those of us that are compelled to solve every glitch we diagnose. We don't want to let go because that can feel like we're giving up on someone, but there is a point when "holding on" starts to do more harm than good. The only thing more powerful than words is prayer. If you care about someone who is hurting you or hurting themselves, pray for them and leave God to teach, change and discipline them in his own way and in his own time. That is the most loving thing you can do for them. 

• God wants to free you from the fear of man. We cannot see God but we do see the people around us so we end up having a big view of people and a small view of God. We care so much what people think about us. We tell ourselves we don't so God will test us by changing the way people treat you to see where you will seek comfort. You can't control how anyone chooses to treat you or what they think of you and God wants you to live with that. People have dignity and value but our mission does not start or end with our relationships here on earth. Seek God first, become secure and completely satisfied in him alone. The one who pursued you in your rebellion, sent his Son to die for you and loves you with an everlasting love. Be consumed by that love and it has the power to free you love others boldly, wisely, without fear of rejection and without making idols of them.

God wants to use you to be the light to everyone around you and for the Christian, there is no greater call. As long as we live, we are never relieved from the responsibility of drawing near to others and showing them his kindness. So don't apologise for caring, and don't feel bad if your efforts are misconstrued. Jesus died for people who don't even want to acknowledge he exists. You are walking in his path and that means relinquishing control of every outcome, even when you have good intentions. Love does not need a 'thank you.' For every person you meet and engage, there is a purpose. Ask God how you can be loving to them in that season. It may be through conversations that sharpen one another.. It may be praying for them behind closed doors. Pray for the discernment to apply wisdom appropriately in different situations. Trust God in the doors that he opens relationally and those that he closes. He knows.
I had to throw this gif in there because it's my absolute favourite hehe.


From all that does not help you grow, unashamedly walk away.
Praying for you friends.

Verses to meditate on:
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭2:3-4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“There is a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,”
‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭25:11‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“Whoever heeds life-giving correction will be at home among the wise. Those who disregard discipline despise themselves, but the one who heeds correction gains understanding.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭15:31-32‬ ‭NIV‬‬