Is it bad that..
"Bad
girls ain't no good, and the good girls ain't no fun. The hood girls
want a smart nigga, college girls all want a thug. So it seems that we
fiend what we don't need."
~Wale ['Bad' ft. Tiara Thomas]
Maybe it's because rappers are today's role models preaching that men should be about chasing paper and "b***es ain't sh*t.." Or maybe it's because children from broken homes are five times more likely to suffer from mental distress, or maybe it's just the numerous patriarchal societies still in existence today. Maybe this explains why otherwise sane young men grow up emotionally abusing girls and eventually battering women, why there are so many flirtationships and unhealthy relationships.. So what is it about men and the women they love to hate?
Maybe for women it's because Jay Z and Fitz have become the fantasy/standard for quality men. Or that women love so blindly and are unable to see destructive character, as they say in Shona "kwadzinorohwa matumbu ndiko kwadzinomhanyira." Why are we so drawn to forbidden fruit? Is it because we believe that deep down the bad ones will eventually be good to us? (Don't flick your weave and say thank God that ain't you when you've probably held down your own Joe Budden before.) Generations continue to wonder why intelligent and composed women throw themselves at the mercy of said men. What is it with women and the men they love to hate?
Human behaviour fascinates me; it's a study that never ends. Medicine teaches you that symptoms are not the problem, they are only indicators of the underlying condition. I like to dig deep because there is more than meets the eye. Some say that we are simply who we have been made by circumstances, but I believe that while experiences may help to explain who we are, they do not define us. We are all inherently unique and yet we all identify with something, be it religion or nationality, we are all chasing after something, we are influenced by something and it's safe to say that each of us battles with a unique set of issues that we all need to be saved from before they become our undoing.
I have experienced certain elements of this love/hate phenomenon myself, falling for someone of questionable character again and again. I have also observed many a man claim to have a healthy appreciation for women but objectifying them and disposing of them again and again. There is a villain and a victim in every story but this love/hate pattern starts when both man and woman feel like the victim. I have a hypothesis. While my conclusions are not absolute, they do hold some truth.
Much of the behaviour we perpetuate is a projection of our background, or the future we want. Women in pursuit of love and a 'happily ever after' often want it because their parents had it or did not. Maybe your father left your mother, a good woman, a beautiful woman, and you never understood why. So you grow up, become an adult, meet guys and do whatever you can to make them stay. Or maybe your parents had a stable, happy marriage, so you trust your intuition and your hormones to find you a good guy just like your dad. So why after wanting to get it right do we so often get it wrong? Because in the process, we can easily forget what genuine love and acceptance look like. It is easy to automatically assume that butterflies, thrills, good looks and money go hand in hand with honesty and commitment.. Until one day you find yourself wondering why after all your efforts you are still unappreciated, still second best, or still abused. That is the point we know we should walk away, because our mamas taught us better right....? but hold on, we put in so much work and time with this dude, and it wasn't all bad, so we will be damned if someone tells us that what is clearly glittering before us isn't gold. Staying with someone who isn't right and doesn't treat you right happens for a number of reasons, but I have found three most recurrent. 1. The fear of giving up/ starting over or being alone.. Today's society teaches us that being single means you are undesirable so God forbid you ever end up one of those 'bitter single heffaz' 2. You saw your mum fight so hard for her marriage, so that you could have a normal life.. So you keep fighting for yours hoping against all hope that you will also get it right at some point. 3. You believe your love can make that broken man whole again.
So you give him chance after chance.
Then come men and their quest for love and acceptance. It starts off as a beautiful picture because at home mum is so loving and constantly tells you are a star and you are so handsome, you will achieve greatness etc etc, then you meet a girl, you like her, you try your luck, you're rejected. You're surprised. Your pride is wounded. Didn't your mum say you were AMAZING?? In such cases, one of two things then happens: either you accept that it be like that sometimes, you won't always be so amazing in everyone's eyes and you move on, OR you superficially 'deal with it' while building an armour, avoiding attachment and planning on never letting anyone in unless she is Beyoncé. The women that you once desired to get close to become the very root of your shaky self-esteem and yet you don't stop desiring to get close to them.. even if you think you do. So you use them. A little (or a lot of) porn here and there reinforces the idea that women were created simply to please and to give a reaction. Then one day a special girl eventually comes around, but you don't let her in and forget all your fears. No. You test her, sometimes punish her, and if she can put up with it, she isn't stupid, she is worthy, she is your ride-or-die. Hate doesn't rear it's ugly head in aggression like we think it often does, it spreads pain through self-centredness. It feels very little compassion and it often justifies its presence because of previous experiences. Maybe your mum wasn't there at all, you grew up and became attracted to women because that's what you were biologically created to do, but you don't know how to treat them, because you never knew how to nurture and your mum wasn't there to teach you things like how to respect her by helping out with chores or wracking your brain for little gestures to comfort her when she was upset because she showed emotion in a way that was different to your dad. Underneath that boss exterior is a boy struggling with inadequacy and insecurity.
The most common theme in both the male and female perspectives above is that they both seek redemption. Instead of looking inward, they look outward, that's how the love/hate cycle begins. Such women seek a hero to rescue them from the judgemental and comparative nature of this world and affirm them as prized and irreplaceable. Such men seek a heroine to melt the icebox where their hearts used to be and make them feel like great achievers again. Then they bump into each other.
Like I said, my findings are not absolute. Upbringing has a role to play, the environment has a role to play, principles or the lack thereof have a role to play but ultimately, who you become and how you treat people is your choice.
My theory is that there are no heroes on earth. Even the good are flawed. The only hero is Jesus, because he frees you from yourself, and from all fear and insecurity. Only He can change a heart. It's not about the hundreds who make you feel good about yourself, or even finding that one who truly loves you. Knowing him is the first step to understanding the purpose of love itself.
~Wale ['Bad' ft. Tiara Thomas]
Maybe it's because rappers are today's role models preaching that men should be about chasing paper and "b***es ain't sh*t.." Or maybe it's because children from broken homes are five times more likely to suffer from mental distress, or maybe it's just the numerous patriarchal societies still in existence today. Maybe this explains why otherwise sane young men grow up emotionally abusing girls and eventually battering women, why there are so many flirtationships and unhealthy relationships.. So what is it about men and the women they love to hate?
Maybe for women it's because Jay Z and Fitz have become the fantasy/standard for quality men. Or that women love so blindly and are unable to see destructive character, as they say in Shona "kwadzinorohwa matumbu ndiko kwadzinomhanyira." Why are we so drawn to forbidden fruit? Is it because we believe that deep down the bad ones will eventually be good to us? (Don't flick your weave and say thank God that ain't you when you've probably held down your own Joe Budden before.) Generations continue to wonder why intelligent and composed women throw themselves at the mercy of said men. What is it with women and the men they love to hate?
Human behaviour fascinates me; it's a study that never ends. Medicine teaches you that symptoms are not the problem, they are only indicators of the underlying condition. I like to dig deep because there is more than meets the eye. Some say that we are simply who we have been made by circumstances, but I believe that while experiences may help to explain who we are, they do not define us. We are all inherently unique and yet we all identify with something, be it religion or nationality, we are all chasing after something, we are influenced by something and it's safe to say that each of us battles with a unique set of issues that we all need to be saved from before they become our undoing.
I have experienced certain elements of this love/hate phenomenon myself, falling for someone of questionable character again and again. I have also observed many a man claim to have a healthy appreciation for women but objectifying them and disposing of them again and again. There is a villain and a victim in every story but this love/hate pattern starts when both man and woman feel like the victim. I have a hypothesis. While my conclusions are not absolute, they do hold some truth.
Much of the behaviour we perpetuate is a projection of our background, or the future we want. Women in pursuit of love and a 'happily ever after' often want it because their parents had it or did not. Maybe your father left your mother, a good woman, a beautiful woman, and you never understood why. So you grow up, become an adult, meet guys and do whatever you can to make them stay. Or maybe your parents had a stable, happy marriage, so you trust your intuition and your hormones to find you a good guy just like your dad. So why after wanting to get it right do we so often get it wrong? Because in the process, we can easily forget what genuine love and acceptance look like. It is easy to automatically assume that butterflies, thrills, good looks and money go hand in hand with honesty and commitment.. Until one day you find yourself wondering why after all your efforts you are still unappreciated, still second best, or still abused. That is the point we know we should walk away, because our mamas taught us better right....? but hold on, we put in so much work and time with this dude, and it wasn't all bad, so we will be damned if someone tells us that what is clearly glittering before us isn't gold. Staying with someone who isn't right and doesn't treat you right happens for a number of reasons, but I have found three most recurrent. 1. The fear of giving up/ starting over or being alone.. Today's society teaches us that being single means you are undesirable so God forbid you ever end up one of those 'bitter single heffaz' 2. You saw your mum fight so hard for her marriage, so that you could have a normal life.. So you keep fighting for yours hoping against all hope that you will also get it right at some point. 3. You believe your love can make that broken man whole again.
So you give him chance after chance.
Then come men and their quest for love and acceptance. It starts off as a beautiful picture because at home mum is so loving and constantly tells you are a star and you are so handsome, you will achieve greatness etc etc, then you meet a girl, you like her, you try your luck, you're rejected. You're surprised. Your pride is wounded. Didn't your mum say you were AMAZING?? In such cases, one of two things then happens: either you accept that it be like that sometimes, you won't always be so amazing in everyone's eyes and you move on, OR you superficially 'deal with it' while building an armour, avoiding attachment and planning on never letting anyone in unless she is Beyoncé. The women that you once desired to get close to become the very root of your shaky self-esteem and yet you don't stop desiring to get close to them.. even if you think you do. So you use them. A little (or a lot of) porn here and there reinforces the idea that women were created simply to please and to give a reaction. Then one day a special girl eventually comes around, but you don't let her in and forget all your fears. No. You test her, sometimes punish her, and if she can put up with it, she isn't stupid, she is worthy, she is your ride-or-die. Hate doesn't rear it's ugly head in aggression like we think it often does, it spreads pain through self-centredness. It feels very little compassion and it often justifies its presence because of previous experiences. Maybe your mum wasn't there at all, you grew up and became attracted to women because that's what you were biologically created to do, but you don't know how to treat them, because you never knew how to nurture and your mum wasn't there to teach you things like how to respect her by helping out with chores or wracking your brain for little gestures to comfort her when she was upset because she showed emotion in a way that was different to your dad. Underneath that boss exterior is a boy struggling with inadequacy and insecurity.
The most common theme in both the male and female perspectives above is that they both seek redemption. Instead of looking inward, they look outward, that's how the love/hate cycle begins. Such women seek a hero to rescue them from the judgemental and comparative nature of this world and affirm them as prized and irreplaceable. Such men seek a heroine to melt the icebox where their hearts used to be and make them feel like great achievers again. Then they bump into each other.
Like I said, my findings are not absolute. Upbringing has a role to play, the environment has a role to play, principles or the lack thereof have a role to play but ultimately, who you become and how you treat people is your choice.
My theory is that there are no heroes on earth. Even the good are flawed. The only hero is Jesus, because he frees you from yourself, and from all fear and insecurity. Only He can change a heart. It's not about the hundreds who make you feel good about yourself, or even finding that one who truly loves you. Knowing him is the first step to understanding the purpose of love itself.
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